Yesterday morning as I got ready for church I decided that I was going to "really" put on my make-up (haven't done much in a long time with morning sickness then miscarriage). Beyond just a dab of lipstick.
I used foundation, blush, 2 shades of eye shadow, mascara and lip stick. It felt so good to feel presentable again. Like I said, it had been a while.
Perhaps looking back on it, if I looked presentable people would not really ask how I am doing.
(Side note: As it turns out, it was the one Sunday a year that there's no childcare...I thought to myself of ALL WEEKS! Why, THIS week?! Seriously!! It really does make me thankful for all the times I can drop off the little guys and have an hour to be still and worship BY MYSELF! And our 2 year old was ANYTHING but "still" during the service!)
During the service I went to use the restroom and glanced in the mirror. I was so shocked at what I saw. I saw a face looking back at me with deep circles under deeply saddened eyes, a hint of color on the cheek bones thanks to the dusting of blush, but really the only color on my entire face was coming from my bold lips that bore "Downtown Brown" lipstick. I was so pale and looked as sad as I felt on the inside.
Who was I joking?! I thought for sure that if I put on enough make-up I could really hide my broken heart.
Why does this have to be so hard?! I really hate this!!!
As I search for something to be thankful for I can honestly say, "Thank You, Lord for today is the first day that I have not been in physical pain since the DNC last Wednesday. That is good."
5 comments:
Hang in there. I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a big hug. You've had a lot hit you (and your husband) all at once.
If this is any encouragement, a counselor that I went to years ago when I was grieving told me to allow myself to feel all those unwanted feelings. It is all part of the grieving process that we have to go through to heal.
Hugs to you.
Kristen, words are wise. I remember standing in the shower crying and crying after my miscarriage......it's okay to hurt and feel sad. And my experience has been that during those times God pulls me close and reminds me that I am His child.
After I lost Elizabeth Joy, I got pregnant as fast as I could, so I could stop the agony as quickly as possible. It was so wrenching, I wanted to run screaming for the door, thinking a new pregnancy would let me skip over this grieving thing. Well, I was partly right. You can't celebrate and grieve at the same time.
Then when I lost the second baby five months later, I got the double jolt right in the kisser. WHAM! That's when I decided: Let's get this grief thing going NOW, the right way, and throw myself into it for all it's worth. I want to learn everything I need to so I can move on when it's over. Because it will be over, won't it, LORD?
I was taking a Christian counseling course at the time, and started then to learn about using my own life painful experience to help others. You will, too, my darling, and you are already doing that through your writing.
God lift you up and carry you in his arms through this valley of the Shadow. I know the despair of empty arms, and ask for special comfort for you now, precious girl. I love you so, Momma
Sweet JA, feeling so so sad for you, with you. We're praying praying, and love you tons.
Praying for God's grace in your life each day. Thank you for being so real. Many blessings, dear sister.
M-
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