After reflecting upon my incredibly difficult bout of parenting with our precious P this past year, I recently realized that I am not running after him from one room to the next anymore, attempting to predict just what his next destructive move might be.
I would like to celebrate the fact that he has really matured in many areas that were "a bit" concerning and troubling to me as his mom!
It's simple things like the fact that I can unload the dishwasher without worrying that he will be using that time to climb up on the kitchen table with a bar stool and attempt to sit upon the top of the stool that's now balanced upon the table.
But as life would have it, I am finding that with the maturing process of my children, as one thing gets easier another thing pops up.
I can almost visualize this as if P took the baton of the defiant toddler and passed it onto another child (my condolences to the next parent!) while simultaneously grabbing ahold of a new baton. This new one is bigger and can sometimes pack even more of a punch, if he's not careful, (and yes, I mean this quite literally!).
What used to be brief moments of reprieve for me have turned into anything but with car rides, dinnertime, playtime, or any other time is the perfect time to start arguing.
This is beginning to wear me out!!
I recently read a wonderful article regarding when you should let the kids work through things by themselves and when you should intervene. I agree with the author's advice about children under 3. He stated that kids under 3 are still building their relational "tool box" and cannot be expected to work through an argument in a healthy way and should be assisted and coached by an adult whenever possible.
We have been doing a ton of coaching lately with key words to use, such as : "I don't like that, please stop, it really bothers me", "I am playing somewhere else until you can play nicely", etc.
I have heard some of these phrases coming out here and there when he's in a "healthy state of mind" (well rested and fed), however, I still am putting in a ton of hours down at his level attempting to equip him for the next argument or working through the pain caused in the last one.
With our 4 year old I have been reminding him that he's been given the gift of words. He can build up or destroy his relationship with people, (namely his little brother), with these words he uses.
I try to be consistent with the consequences if either boy decides to elevate the argument to yelling, pushing, etc. I also know that healthy conflict is good for them and helps build their relational problem solving skills if done in a healthy way.
That being said, I would just love to hear tips, advice, tools that have worked in easing the load of this process every day.
What are some ways that I can help my boys through this stage (and survive myself)?
Whatever doesn't kill us will make us stronger, right?! :)
9 comments:
It seems you are one small step ahead of me. :) I am still in the stage of exhaustion in watching my 2 year old run from one room to the other in complete destruction mode. I eagerly look forward to his passing on that baton! However, I don't look forward to the sibling arguments. Being an only child, that is foreign to me and so I will definitely take all of your advise!
Oh JA, I'm so right there with you. We do a lot of time outs, and then practicing or talking through how to interact lovingly ;). It's just another exhausting stage, but it too will pass...and I try to savor those precious sweet moments as they come.
I believe you are passing the baton to me as my little toddler turns 2 years old next month and boy has he started the wonderful tantrum and defiant stage!
I totally agree with what you said about giving your child tools to teach them how to resolve conflict - but that you have to coach them under the age of 3. You're doing a great job!!
Do you remember when that German exchange student left our house in La Canada early to stay with the other family? I'm pretty sure the constant bickering didn't help. It is miserable for moms, isn't it? Just remember that some time between now and when they're in college, it will end.
Actually,as much as you can, keep rewarding the behavior you want to see, that is the times when they're nice to each other--by paying more attention to that than to misbehavior. Then, of course, they'll have more motivation to be nice than to be mean. It's not always possible, but it can help.
A wise man said, "God wanted us to learn how to deal with enemies when we grew up, so he gave us siblings to practice on."
We feel your pain in the Weber home. Adam is great at having both boys (fyi, 6 and 10, so don't think this is going away any time soon) sit down and talk it out at the table. If it continues, then there are consequences.
Aunt E, I love the advise to focus on when they are doing well. Positive reinforcement works great at a job and with dogs . . . my only comparison being only 1 month in to the step mom thing. . . so it makes sense to work with kids too. :)
Love you my JA!
Congratulations on your new "hat" of being a referee! This was (and still is) my least favortie job of being a mom. It will drive you up the wall if you let it. Here are some things I do with mine: When one of them asks the other one to stop doing something (in a nice voice), then I make sure the second one actually stops. They have to have respect for each others' requests. If they cannot play together nicely, then they must play alone in their rooms. This is a great one b/c then you are left downstairs by yourself in peace and quiet! I also like to "catch them being good." I have a special treat, like skittles or M & Ms or jelly beans, and when I see them playing nicely together, I sneak up on them with the treat in my hand and say, "Caught you being good." Then we talk about what they were doing that was so nice.
Well, I hope some of these things help. There is certainly not a magical answer, and there is not something that works all of the time. I'll be thinking about you, my friend, and I will pass along any other things I think of.
My kids bicker too. I, too, always thought that kids need to work through things, to a point, on their own. However, I listened to a speaker talk about this very subject a few years ago, and she said that the only problem with that theory is that it will often continue until they are old enough to hurt each other, and often as adults, siblings will still not have learned to "get along". I don't know if this is sound advise or not, but it is something to consider.
Keep sharing your good parenting tips with us! You seems like such an incredible Mama. : )
Ugh, sibling stuff is soooo tough! We have been in that really difficult place for quite a long time now. If it isn't one kid causing problems, it's another. When he was 2, Drew really caused a lot of issues with Zack - breaking his Legos, hitting, kicking, etc. Then at 3, Drew would just be mean - yelling, crying, getting very frustrated because he wanted to play too. At 3 1/2, Drew and Sadie really had some issues related to her being the domineering older sister who wouldn't let him play and that hurt his feelings. Drew will be 4 in a few weeks, and even though our issues are far from over, things are much, much better. Drew can play now, he can join in with Sadie and Zack in their imaginary games and he doesn't break stuff anymore! I hate to say you have another year before things calm down even more, but this almost 4 thing is a breath of fresh air! Oh and I found that I had to intervene up until very recently with Drew. He has wonderful language and communication, but even at 3 he couldn't solve the problems with his sibs on his own. Good luck, friend!
Thank you, thank you all!!
I can't begin to tell you how much each comment means to me. Your encouragement, advice and affirmation to me was exactly what I needed to hear!
Please look for an entry soon that talks about the changes I have made to my parenting during arguing...I am excited to share just how well it's going with these ideas you helped me conjure up!
Thanks again! What a blessing you all are to me!! :)
Post a Comment